When life gives you lemons, go find that bitch and punch her in the face, or drown her in the lemonade you made with them, either way kick that bitch’s ass!

So what is my lemon you ask?  Cancer.  Cancer is my lemon.  It seems to be everywhere, doesn’t matter how healthy or unhealthy you are, or how fit you are, or what you do, or eat, some thing will surely give you cancer.

When my grandmother was diagnosed 3 years ago, it was devastating. She meant the world to me, and I never could have imagined a world without her in it.  But here I am, living each day, always thinking about her and always missing her dearly.

Her photograph hangs on the wall behind my computer so I see her every time I sit here to type.  I miss her.  It was quick, painful and exhausting.  She was gone before any of us were able to really comprehend the situation.  There is still a void that lays in my heart, open and raw that I am not sure will ever heal.

Last year we lost another dear friend to his 3 year battle with cancer.  He was a strong, fit, athletic man, who ate well and loved everyone he met.  His life was just snatched away in an instant, and then there were two.

About a month ago my mother called me with some very upsetting and unexpected news, that my stepfather had some lumps in his side and they were going for a pet scan the next week.  That week came and went, the scan was done and they met with the drs.  It was indeed cancer, but not just in his side but his lung, liver, brain and bones.  It is clear that the cancer has most certainly metastasized.  They have started chemo treatments but the doctors don’t seem very hopeful.

This raw, black void is growing.  It is becoming a deep dark hole of depression and hopelessness.  It is becoming harder and harder to look on the bright side of things.  I hate cancer, I hate it with every ounce of my being.  I feel childish even saying things like that, but its true.  I hate it, I wish it never was, I wish there was a cure.

I could go on for days about all the things I wish, but it would be pointless because they never will be.  This void will just continue to grow and grow as the people I love get sucked down into it.

What I posted about the other day, about being an adult, I don’t like this either.  I don’t like feeling like this, I don’t like knowing the things I know, I don’t like being in this loop.  I want to be a kid again, oblivious to all of this.  I want to stop crying all the time.

Advertisements