I’ve been noticing some things lately that are starting to make me really feel like an adult, and I don’t like it!!  I long for the days of “mom pays for everything”, bills.. what are bills?  Car payments, rent, groceries, utilities, insurance… who really wants to deal with all that crap, no one.

You know you are not a kid any more when…

The only mail you get is bills

You plan your  whole life around paydays

Paydays are glorious

Any dinner that you don’t have to make yourself is a good dinner

Grocery shopping is considered “me time”

You are, literally, what you eat, that cheeseburger is going straight to your buns.

Cankles are real

When buying clothing or shoes comfort outweighs style, most of the time.  I’m not saying that I have a drawer full of elastic waistband slacks, but I do love me some yoga pants or athletic capris (the fancy name for spandex pants).

Weekends are no longer for just sitting around playing, there are things that need doing.. and someone needs to do them.

Chores are no longer the punishment, they are the norm.

There are not magical fairies that come in the night to wash and fold your laundry, or vacuums the floors, i wish, I would pay those bitches big time to clean my house.

Periods suck, sorry guys this one is for the ladies.  Bleed for 5-7 days a month for half your life and you would be dams sick of it too. Periods suck, pads suck, tampons suck, hormones suck, headaches suck… generally life just sucks for like a week.  That is 12 weeks a year, we spend 1/6 of the year bleeding.  We also make humans, which is a lot of work.. so the least you could do for your lady is change those diapers.

On the lady subject, boob suck.  They really do.  I’m going to get real here for a minute, so skip this if you don’t want to hear about all the gross things about boobs.  Big boobs suck.  “Epic boob sweat” is a thing, its real, and it sucks!  I work in a kitchen, I hate the neck strap on the aprons but I can’t wear the aprons with the strap folded down because of the epic boob sweat, a big giant sweat spot that spreads from one side to the other right under your boobs.  Lovely right?  That isn’t the worst.  In the summer time when it is super hot and humid for weeks say hello to skin infections, rashes, itching, prescription powders, anti chafing cream.. and a never ending supply of clean dry bras.  On a  less disgusting note if you are bigger than a D cup good luck finding a  bra that 1) isn’t white, black or nude  2) Is remotely attractive  3) doesn’t look like something your grandmother should have burned years ago, and finally 4) that fits.  Good luck.  Of all the people that should be able to buy bras somewhere other than online, and be able to try things on is us DDD+ ladies.  What on earth could an A or B cup need to try anything on, everything fits.  One of my biggest struggles in life has been bras, they are ridiculously over priced and I can only ever find my size online.  That sucks!

There comes a point where you are not “hip” anymore, you are just the sad older lady who is trying way to hard to not be old.

Heels are more likely to break your leg than the shoe.

Orthopedic anything seems like a good idea

Coffee, there must be coffee before anything else, just COFFEE!!

You start getting Sir or Mame…. not ok.  Unless you are at a restaurant with you family and then they ask you if you would like a children’s menu.. I’m 31, this has happened to me three times in the past year.. not cool.  I know I’m short but seriously?!

Kids have no idea what the 80’s were really like, no that is not the era with poodle skirts or swing dancing.  That is the era of Cindy Lauper, leg warmers, jazzercise, epic hair bands, the dawn of video games, Atari – can you even imagine giving a 14 year old an Atari, a joystick and ONE button, that is all you get!!

Everything starts to hurt, at one point or another, for absolutely no reason at all.

IBS is real, that is all.

Your on a first name basis with most of the doctors and nurses at your local Primary care office, or considered a “regular”.

You go to the doctors more than the bar.

Getting “shitfaced” is no longer in your rolodex for weekend activities.

Wine is more appealing that Schnapps of any kind.

Your actually trying to get pregnant, instead of avoiding it like it is the Black Plague.

The idea of a crying baby, sleepless nights, breastfeeding, diaper changing and 18 years of no sleep actually sounds like a good idea.

You feel the need to offer parenting advice… but know enough not to.

Metamucil, tums and pepto are normal grocery items.

You walk into a room, forget what you went in there for, then forget what you were doing before you went to do whatever you forgot in the first place.

If you don’t write it down, it never happened, its not real, it doesn’t exist, it is not going to happen, and you have forgotten all about it

All the things your parents used to say or tell you makes so much sense now.

You start saying the things your parents said to you when you were a kid, and now you sound just like them

When you have to ask a 14 year old about some tech thing you don’t understand

When it is easier to ask a kid to do something than actually do it yourself, that is also a short person problem.

An all nighter is staying up until 11… wait thats not right.. an all nighter is something that no longer exists in your life.  With the exception of kids, if you have kids you never get sleep anyway so pulling an all nighter is literally every night, it sort of just cancels itself out

Music, uhh, music is huge.  Kanye is NOT a musician, I know it is all subjective but what is music really?  There is a range of tone and blah blah blah, I’m sorry talking into an auto-tuner does not a musician make.  Bieber is a little asshole that needs an attitude check, Nikki – put some clothes on and stop shaking your enormous everything in my face – my anaconda don’t want none.  I enjoy most pop music today, but there really isn’t anything that comes close to CCR, Floyd, any classic rock really.. back when music consisted of instruments and not a sound board, and singing and actual talent.  But to each their own.

Well this is pretty good start to all the thing that make me feel like an adult, I’m sure there will be more to come…

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